The Creative Journey

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”

Kurt Vonnegut Jr, American writer

The unique thing of human beings is the ability to inspire and be inspired, to express ourselves in different artful ways and to create. Without art and the ability to fully express myself would make my world feel so limited. There is nothing more unsettling in my soul than the feeling that I am not understood. How can we reach understanding without the expression of ourselves?

Nothing is linear or static. The world is continually changing and morphing with every second. In the same way, I am not just one color. I am a multitude. I am seen, I am hidden, I am joyful, I am sorrowful; I am curious, adventurous, and yet I am a lover of comfort and routine. Complexities that I want to convey with every brush stroke, keystroke, pencil and word.

The innate desire of a human being to be understood.

Breaking Free

My yearning blazes
like fire,

Consuming

Me

in never-ending inferno.

My skin itches

like contagious hives,

Oozing 

Out 

tar-stained thoughts.

I. Can't. Breathe.

Can't. Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe. In.

Breathe. In. Life.

My heart wrenches

out wings of flight,

Bright,
White

innocent and forgotten.

My old spirit suit

falling off in embers,

Giving

Way to 

newness of mind.

Alone

There's a dull ache that hums through my body. It lingers in quiet mornings sometimes. I can hear my own thoughts echoing against the walls of my mind. The feeling is reminiscent of the stillness of a nearly-abandoned library. Every creak and rustle of the old building reminds you of how alone you are.

I don't like this feeling and I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do with it. It comes every now and then when I'm wondering if I'm where I should be. Am I happy where I am right now? Maybe I'm not. Maybe that's why every time the feeling comes, I'm reminded that I am on my own.

The Strange Creature Called Time

Time is an odd concept. We track it with daylight, with our watches and minute hands yet time itself is so abstract. I can catch a plane from Seoul back to Seattle and arrive in yesterday time. I can watch the effects of time on our faces and lives but it is unseen.

Grief, loss, heartache. These are all things that cannot be solved by any prescription. Only time. Time is the medication. In a world that runs with everything that is instant and "convenient", we have become impatient with time. But time cannot be rushed or pushed just like experience and growth cannot be gained by simply wishing.

What is "Life"?

During my travels, I have been pondering a lot on what "life" is.

Life. What is life? How do you define it? By blood pressure, the beating of your heart, the rise and fall of your chest when you take in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide? But wouldn't you agree that we have all met people in our lives who are alive by that definition yet have NO LIFE? So what is this "life" that seems to be intangible yet tangible at the same time?

When we say we are with someone who is "full of life", it is because they are so vibrant. It produces concrete, physical manifestations and yet at the same time it affects the atmosphere of the room that is felt not seen.

Where does this "life" come from? We cannot say it is just joy, though it is. It is not just wonder or the curiosity of a child. How do we define it? What is it? And how is it that some people lose it?

There are times that I do find myself feeling lifeless and empty. I seek to fill my cup and for me life comes from my connection with those around me, people I love and care for and my intimacy with Christ. I've been traveling to find it. In ways, it has made me feel even more aware of how empty I am. Yet as the days pass, I find that my cup is being ever so slowly filled up. I'm beginning to feel alive again. I don't know why. I don't understand. But making this is a sort of different "breath" of life that I've come for - finding peace in knowing that it's okay to be who I am.

Abandoned

My tears for your freedom.
My goodness for this pain.

My vulnerability for your thorns.

Chasing to catch the sunset

but the warmth of the golden rays fades in time.

Leaving behind the slow, red burn.

Sun kissed

is just a memory.

Didn't realize I had fallen so hard and so fast until I had to stand up.