Alone

There's a dull ache that hums through my body. It lingers in quiet mornings sometimes. I can hear my own thoughts echoing against the walls of my mind. The feeling is reminiscent of the stillness of a nearly-abandoned library. Every creak and rustle of the old building reminds you of how alone you are.

I don't like this feeling and I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do with it. It comes every now and then when I'm wondering if I'm where I should be. Am I happy where I am right now? Maybe I'm not. Maybe that's why every time the feeling comes, I'm reminded that I am on my own.

The Strange Creature Called Time

Time is an odd concept. We track it with daylight, with our watches and minute hands yet time itself is so abstract. I can catch a plane from Seoul back to Seattle and arrive in yesterday time. I can watch the effects of time on our faces and lives but it is unseen.

Grief, loss, heartache. These are all things that cannot be solved by any prescription. Only time. Time is the medication. In a world that runs with everything that is instant and "convenient", we have become impatient with time. But time cannot be rushed or pushed just like experience and growth cannot be gained by simply wishing.

What is "Life"?

During my travels, I have been pondering a lot on what "life" is.

Life. What is life? How do you define it? By blood pressure, the beating of your heart, the rise and fall of your chest when you take in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide? But wouldn't you agree that we have all met people in our lives who are alive by that definition yet have NO LIFE? So what is this "life" that seems to be intangible yet tangible at the same time?

When we say we are with someone who is "full of life", it is because they are so vibrant. It produces concrete, physical manifestations and yet at the same time it affects the atmosphere of the room that is felt not seen.

Where does this "life" come from? We cannot say it is just joy, though it is. It is not just wonder or the curiosity of a child. How do we define it? What is it? And how is it that some people lose it?

There are times that I do find myself feeling lifeless and empty. I seek to fill my cup and for me life comes from my connection with those around me, people I love and care for and my intimacy with Christ. I've been traveling to find it. In ways, it has made me feel even more aware of how empty I am. Yet as the days pass, I find that my cup is being ever so slowly filled up. I'm beginning to feel alive again. I don't know why. I don't understand. But making this is a sort of different "breath" of life that I've come for - finding peace in knowing that it's okay to be who I am.

Abandoned

My tears for your freedom.
My goodness for this pain.

My vulnerability for your thorns.

Chasing to catch the sunset

but the warmth of the golden rays fades in time.

Leaving behind the slow, red burn.

Sun kissed

is just a memory.

Didn't realize I had fallen so hard and so fast until I had to stand up.

Late Nights

I don't sleep at night anymore.

You might be part to blame.
I can't turn off my mind
nor my heart.
The phantom sensation of my missing breath
at an eternal standstill.

I Don't Think I Love You

HOOBASTANK

"I Don't Think I Love You"

I wonder what you'll take from me today
Sanity or just my breath away
It's hard to say
Impossible for me to tell
We're always walking on eggshells
Who you're going to be from day to day today

I wish that we could go back
To what we were before
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore

Wonder why it is that you don't see
What you've changed since we first met
And how much that is killing me
I know that I will always miss
The butterflies of our first kiss
And how you use to smile so easily

I wish that we could go back
To what we were before
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore

It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I never thought that it will come to this
I know we'll never get back
To how we were before
'Cuz I know that I don't love you anymore

It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I know that I don't love you anymore, anymore

The Fool

Dear Self,

I can't even put to words what I feel. Most of the time I try not to think about it. It's been helping so far but every now and then, in-between the spaces of busyness, it churns and coils in my heart. I feel that I should be upset or mad but it still boils down to that I understand. I understand completely. It's hard to feel angry when I feel like I know you so well. I wonder if I'm just a fool. But isn't that what love is? Just a fool.

You see and hear me the most when you feel me. 

More often than not, my words fail me.